Thoughts on Love, Life & Past Lives

I'm thinking really that we All just want to be loved....and how hard can that be?  For some of us being alone is a sad thing, but for others of us it is a good thing....for it's not about being lonely it's about being alone & in comfort with ourselves.

I am alone, for the most part I am more than comfortable being with myself, yet there are times I truly desire male companionship of one man in particular.  But it is plainly clear that "That Man" (as I refer to him to Creator) is "Just not into me", even though when we are together we have a smashingly good & loving time......  So this brings me to those thoughts that I have been mulling over the past several days:
 
What if, I'm here only to make amends for my actions in my past lives? How sad would that be?  I have had several less than happy relationships, which now roll off my back, like water on a duck...but during those moments within those relationships not all was happy.  When I sat in meditation of those relationships I have seen "movies" of past lives where I have purposely done damage to those men who were at present time less than loving towards me.  And I can honestly say that at times I laughed and said; "Oh that's why!"  I'm sure acting as Lucrezia Borgia was no laughing matter, but for some reason I find it a bit humorous....go figure.

So as I amble along in this life, I come to where I am now, with having had my soul make amends....and I'd say for the most part I'll call it being even, tit-for-tat...  Yet this most current relationship that has gone on & off for the past eight (8) years, but began with a gift of feathers almost fifteen (15) years ago, I don't want to call it even & forget about.   This is the one that has been intertwined with a few of the others and it is the one that has my heart dazed & confused.

So back log ago, in another time and in another place....back when they punished women of power, Jews, & heretics by torture & death, there I was a free & unencumbered by matrimony, a woman of power.  There are two distinct men I recall, but the one that hurt me the most is the one I am telling about now.  I only remember being tied to a stake surrounded by bundles of faggots (look it up) and watching as he sadly gazed at me while his "friends" lit the fire.  I remember the sadness and not comprehending why this should be happening when I could still feel the love between us..... As then another man in chain mail on a horse came to my rescue and took me away to safety....but that was another man with another story, maybe for another time.

In an other time, in an other place and an other life...maybe back in the 1700's (this is an estimation, for I only have a vision of this and a calendar that I am unable in this time to decipher)...in the time of Great Plumed Warriors, Serpents, Gods, Pyramids, & Temples.....we were there again with roles reversed.  Great Warrior woman was I, he my willing love, led into the temple, made love to upon the altar, conceiving twins and cutting his heart out as an offering to the Gods.....

Which brings us to current times.....where I once again have had a vision, one of Ptesan Win, an otter cannunpa & "That Man" & myself. Accepting the gift and being told that this would be the hardest thing that I would ever do in my life.....and now being at a loss as we are apart from his choosing.

No doubt, I pray, vision, seek answers, go out to that land and sit & offer up that tobacco..... In this time of the full-moon I once again ceremony, sit in that sacred circle,  requesting; answers, knowledge & the wisdom to know how to continue with that gift.....

I am not seeking matrimony, I am not seeking cohabitation, there are things I must complete here in this City....but the quality time we once spent together is what I am missing and making the sadness & heaviness of my heart.  No matter that I should continue to reach out, there is only my empty arms.

Truly I am at a loss.....

Mi Takuye Oyacin